lawyer

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?

A: A doberman pinscher.

Q. What's the difference between God and a lawyer?

Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?

A: Yeah, it comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.

Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?

A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?

A: At the city morgue.

Q: What is the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

A: Lipstick

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?

A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?

A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?

A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

Q: What's the difference between lawyers and buzzards?

A: Lawyers have removable wing tips.

Q: What's the definition of a lawyer?

A: A mouth with a life support system.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?

A: No changes occur.

Q: What's the difference between God and an attorney?

A: God doesn't think he's an attorney.

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?

A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?

A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: When they land, they prevent anything from functioning for the next hundred years.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

A. You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: Once launched, they can't be recalled.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?

A: Just two, all the rest are true.

Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?

A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

Q: What's the difference between a law firm and a circus?

A: At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 80?

A: Your honor.

Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?

A: All the information you need, but you can’t understand a word of it.

Q: What's worse than pleading guilty to murder?

A: Getting jail time and getting robbed--hiring an attorney to defend you.

Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?

A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.

Q: What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?

A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

A: Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.

Q: What is a criminal lawyer?

A: Redundant.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Q: When lawyers die, why don't vultures them?

A: Even a vulture has taste.

Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

Q: Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?

A: New Jersey got first pick.

Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?

A: Jewelry.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?

A: Their personalities.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?

A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One; the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.

Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?

A: Now she’s a loan shark.

Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?

A: Law school.

Q: How do you prevent a Lawyer from drowning?

A: Shoot him before he hits the water!

Q: How was wire invented?

A: Two lawyers pulling on a penny.

Q: Why do lawyers wear tight ties?

A: So their foreskin doesn't creep up and cover their face.

Q: Why does the American Bar Association prohibit sex between attorneys and their clients?

A: To prevent the client for being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

Q: What the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A: The prostitute quits after you're dead!